


wikiHow: How to Make Sebastien Raine Squirm

by zungeonsandzaddies



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Sebastien Raine is an Asshole, and what if Patrick backed David up in a way he didn't see coming?, what if Sebastien met Patrick when he was in town?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:01:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28683720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zungeonsandzaddies/pseuds/zungeonsandzaddies
Summary: “Are you a photographer, Sebastien?” Patrick asked.Sebastien faltered. “I… Yes, I’m Sebastien Raine.”“That’s a nice last name,” Patrick replied.In which Sebastien invites himself into David's store, and Patrick overcomes internalized homophobia to help a business partner out.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 29
Kudos: 271
Collections: Numerous OTPS Infinite Fandoms





	wikiHow: How to Make Sebastien Raine Squirm

**Author's Note:**

> I just felt like Sebastien's presence in Schitt's Creek was a bit confused... was he there for Moira character development? Or was he there for David character development? 
> 
> I decided he was there for David character development. And why not throw in some fake relationship action to add a little extra spice?
> 
> Enjoy :)
> 
> (also I hope this hasn't been done before but I'll be honest, I didn't check, I just wrote, so apologies if someone else did this first :') )

There was no way Sebastien Raine was coming to Schitt’s Creek. Of everyone in David’s life whom he hoped would finally remember he existed, Sebastien was  _ not _ one of them. David was sincerely hoping he would never have to lay eyes on that man again, and now his mother had allowed him entrance into David’s new safe haven. 

Not that a town called Schitt’s Creek was an ideal safe haven, but it was safe from his horrible exes at the very least. Until now.

To think his mother would have cancelled on Sebastien if David had asked her to. Or, she said she would. Could. No, she never would have cancelled, would she?

_ Stevie. _

_ What? _

_ Remember the really catastrophic ex I told you about?  _

_ The year of Bridget Jones? _

_ Okay, you don’t have to keep calling it that, but yes. _

_ Are you ready to show me the cringy nudes he took of you? _

_ What? God, no. He’s coming here.  _

_ To Schitt’s Creek? _

_ My mother, in what could only have been a spell of insanity, invited him. _

_ She forgot you dated him, didn’t she? _

_ Shut up, Stevie.  _

_ She claims they are  _ friends.

_ It’s a cruel world. _

_ You have to help me avoid him. _

_ How am I supposed to do that? _

_ I don’t know keep an eye on him? Keep him away from the store?  _

_ I have my own job, David.  _

_ I don’t care how you do it you have to protect me! _

_ Geez, okay, you can hide out in my office if you need to.  _

_ The lobby. You’re talking about the motel lobby.  _

_ On second thought, I think I’ll take him on a tour of the town, give him a sneak peak of a new little store opening up soon.  _

_ I am indebted to you forever thank you for allowing me to use your office.  _

The next morning, David was on his way out of the motel to go to work—actually on time for the first time in his life. He’d woken up before 9AM solely to avoid Sebastien’s arrival and hoped to be out of the motel by the time the man arrived to meet his mother, but just as he exited his room, he saw a taxi pull up to the motel. 

Shit.

David dashed into the lobby and shut the door behind himself. Attempting to come off as casual and non-panicky as possible, David took a deep breath and said, “I think he’s coming, so could you please go to the window and check for me?” Stevie, in her as-usual-only-mildly-helpful way, did the worst job of warning David that Sebastien was, in fact, coming directly into the lobby. 

Seeing Sebastien again transported David. Sebastien hadn’t changed the way he styled his hair at all, and he had that same nonchalant gait. David remembered wearing the sweater Sebastien was wearing around Sebastien’s apartment back in New York on autumn mornings. Ouch. Sebastien had to have known what he was doing by wearing that sweater here… but then again, maybe he truly didn’t. He “forgot” to alert David to their open relationship status the last month they were dating, so perhaps he was simply that aloof to have forgotten the history of that sweater. 

David got to the store at his usual time after all, fashionably late, as he liked to view it. He still felt frazzled from his encounter with Sebastien, and it was difficult to focus on everything he had planned for the day. He found himself getting distracted, moving too fast, completing tasks halfway before he remembered another task and started on that, only to remember another task and repeat the cycle. There was a lot of unboxing to do before the store opened, and he had planned to do the greater part of it today.

When he was about to take his lunch break early so he could eat his feelings at the café in peace before the lunch rush, Patrick Brewer walked in. 

“Hey, David.”

“Oh, hi.”

Patrick. Blissfully unaware Patrick. He had no idea what dark energy had entered their town this morning, as demonstrated by his cute little… by his usual little smile. 

“I started applying for grants for the store. Thought you’d want to be kept in the loop,” Patrick said, already putting himself to work on the box full of foot cream. 

David merely hummed in acknowledgment, continuing to meticulously place bottle after bottle of face moisturizer on the table. He barely made eye contact with Patrick—which was a bit out of character for him, since he wasn’t afraid to admit that he enjoyed gazing upon the man. Something about those blue shirts. Maybe they brought out his eyes. 

They continued unboxing in silence, a silence that normally would have been filled with quick quips at each other, but nothing was to be heard today beside the sound of containers against cardboard. The air was thick with memories of Sebastien swirling around combined with Patrick’s crisp, clean cologne, and David felt like ripping his hair out. He needed to get out of there.

David made a sound of annoyance and stepped back from the products. He wasn’t making good progress when he was this distracted anyway, so he might as well stop trying. “I’m going to get some lunch, do you want to stay here and man the store while I’m gone, or should I lock it up?”

Patrick cocked his head. “Something’s up. Did the wine for the store not come in yesterday?”

“What? No, I mean yes, the wine came in. I’m hungry, that’s all.”

“You just asked me to man the store. I don’t think I’m  _ officially _ doing any more than helping out around here. Not sure when that turned into a part-time job.”

“Okay, well you can keep working while I go get something to eat, then.”

David started for the door, but Patrick moved in his way. 

“Hey, you’re distracted. Do you want to talk about it?”

It was in that precise moment that a tall figure approached the door, and Sebastien Raine sauntered in. No. This couldn’t be happening. David had already had to deal with him once today, in the comfort of Stevie’s presence. He was not prepared for an interaction with Sebastien in front of Patrick. He didn’t want his new… business partner? business advisor?... to know about his terrible dating history, and Sebastien had a habit of bringing out David’s least favorite things about himself. 

But at the same time, if Sebastien was going to invite himself into David’s not-yet-open store, there was no way he could pass up the chance to show off his newest independent project. 

“Sebastien,” David said with a healthy blend of surprise and annoyance. Sebastien took in the bright room, the new shelves by the windows. Good. David was proud of those shelves. “By all means, come in,” he added sarcastically. Patrick turned around.

“Yeah, I was just getting a drink at the rustic little café down the way, and I thought I saw you in here.”

“This is my store. Just setting things up.”

They held eye contact for a tense moment. David had become aware of Patrick’s good posture. Did he always try that hard to appear tall?

“I am having a prolific day with your mother today,” Sebastien said, wandering aimlessly further into the store.

“Yes, I’m sure,” David replied, rubbing his hands together. 

“Very excited about the shoot, the photos are really haunting.” 

David raised his eyebrows. “Haunting,” he said, “Sure she’d be thrilled by that adjective.” David took a breath, debating whether or not to defend his mother in this moment, and then said, “Um, she told me that this little trip was supposed to be more of a creative  _ discussion. _ ” 

“David, your mother is a  _ revelation _ .” David heard a burst of air leave Patrick’s nose. Sebastien continued, “This is the way she was meant to be presented to the world.”

David couldn’t help himself. “I’m sorry, is this you deciding what someone else wants again?”

David didn’t miss the way Patrick looked at him then. Great. If he didn’t know what was going on before, he definitely did now. He may have been a business major, but he wasn’t that socially inept. 

Sebastien sighed dramatically. David resisted the urge to roll his eyes—somewhat successfully. “I… I want you to know that I care,” Sebastien said, far too gently, “About what happened between you and me. And while my therapist said I should never feel sorrow, I do appreciate  _ your _ pain.” As he spoke, Sebastien moved around the large table in the center of the store and around toward David. David just nodded slowly, biting the inside of his cheek to resist making a face of disgust. “Okay,” he replied quietly, swallowing down far more cutting words. He didn’t want to make a scene in front of Patrick. 

It was bad enough that Sebastien had given him air kisses back at the motel, and as he encroached on David’s personal space, David realized he did  _ not _ want that man to get that close to him again. David took a small step back and bumped right into Patrick. Had he been that close before? “Oh, ah, sorry,” David said to Patrick, making eye contact only long enough to recognize the questioning in Patrick’s eyes. David looked back at Sebastien, making a mental note to apologize to Patrick later for using him as a buffer. 

“Um, Sebastien, this is Patrick. My…” 

“David’s boyfriend. Nice to meet you, Sebastien.”

David froze. He looked over at Patrick in shock, but Patrick had a glint in his eye that David recognized from their usual playful banter. Seemed like there may not be a need for an apology after all. 

Sebastien’s eyes moved between the two of them, squinting, probably imagining a photo op. Classic. Reducing people to the different ways in which he could stage them. “Wow. Patrick, you said? What a name. Very blunt. Very brave.” 

“Sebastien,” Patrick replied almost too warmly, “Very classic name. Very modest.”

The corner of David’s mouth pulled upwards. 

“Thank you,” Sebastien replied earnestly, as earnestly as a man like Sebastien could, “The sun is hitting your skin just right—you’re practically glowing, Patrick. Perfect dramatic lighting for a photo.”

Oh, hell no. Sebastien was  _ not _ flirting with Patrick on David’s watch. But, as Sebastien raised his camera and David opened his mouth to object, Patrick wrapped his arm around David’s waist. Rather than preparing for a retort, David’s jaw simply went slack. 

“Are you a photographer, Sebastien?” Patrick said, turning his warm demeanor into a cool one in record time. 

Sebastien faltered, lowering the camera as his eyes tracked Patrick’s arm around David. “I… Yes, I’m Sebastien Raine.”

“That’s a nice last name,” Patrick replied.

“New York photographer.”

“Ah, you knew David in New York.”

“I’m Sebastien Raine, New York photographer.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Am I meant to have heard of you?” David’s smile was positively radiant as Patrick turned to him. “You could have mentioned your friend Sebastien to me, babe.”

David knew it was a bit, but Patrick was doing a damn good job of pretending this was all real. If he didn’t know Patrick so well, he would wonder if he really was somehow dating Patrick and had just missed the memo. That nickname rolled off his tongue as if he’d called David “babe” a million times before. It sent chills down David’s spine, chills that David hoped Patrick couldn’t feel through the arm comfortably resting on his hips. 

“Mm,” David hummed, “Must have slipped my mind. Sorry, honey.”

David must have imagined the way Patrick’s ears flushed pink. 

“Well, Sebastien, it’s so nice to meet one of David’s old friends from the big city. You said you’ve been taking pictures of Moira while in town? How generous of you to travel all the way here, I hope she’s paying you well. I know you artists have a hard time, financially.”

Ooh, burn, Sebastien. The photographer had more money than probably all of Schitt’s Creek’s residents combined and probably hadn’t been spoken to that way since he was a tween. Patrick’s condescending tone was deliciously evil. 

Sebastien’s eyes narrowed. Patrick was getting to him, a thing David genuinely didn’t believe a person could do.

“So you own this store, David? That’s impressive. It’s no art gallery, but you’ve certainly made something of yourself here. I always knew you were capable of exceptional things.”

Something about the way Sebastien complimented people was just exceedingly condescending. Or maybe it was just the way he complimented David. Yeah, that wouldn’t be surprising. 

“I’ve gotten a lot of help from Patrick.”

What? Where had that come from? Why wasn’t David taking all the credit in front of Sebastien? Who was he trying to impress here, Sebastien or Patrick?

Oh.

Ah. 

David felt his shoulders relax a little as a realization dawned on him. He was trying to impress Patrick. For the first time in a long time, David was in the same room as Sebastien Raine and cared more about impressing someone other than Sebastien Raine. It was definitely an interesting shift, but not at all an unwelcome one. 

David turned to Patrick and smiled at him. Patrick smiled back. 

“We’re business partners and romantic partners,” Patrick added, his voice dripping with sap, “But romantic partners first, I’d like to think.”

“You’d be thinking correctly,” David responded, his voice equally honey sweet. 

“Well, we were business partners first, but the romance came soon after.”

“Patrick just couldn’t stay out of the store.”

“How could I stay away from such a beautiful man?”

“Mm, honey, we’ve talked about flirting in front of the customers.”

“I’ve never known you to avoid it.”

“Shush, you.”

David and Patrick giggled, and David could see Sebastien out of the corner of his eye looking more uncomfortable than David had perhaps ever seen him. How delicious. It had probably been a long time since Sebastien had been around two people who were not in the least interested by his presence. 

“Sorry, Seb,” David said, using the old nickname just to prove it didn’t have any affect on him anymore, “Did you need help getting around town or something? I’m sorry the store isn’t open yet, otherwise I’d recommend some of my products.”

Sebastien took a deep breath, probably to calm himself. The dick never did get outwardly worked up, but David could tell he was less than his usual cool self. 

“I just wanted to pop in to say hello. I miss you, David. It’s nice to see you.”

David’s jaw clenched. Patrick moved his hand up to squeeze David’s arm. 

“Maybe when David takes me to New York, we’ll pay you a visit, Sebastien,” Patrick said. 

“Or maybe we won’t,” David clipped. He noticed Patrick look at him, but he pressed on. He was fed up with Sebastien’s manipulative bullshit. “I made it very clear that I never wanted to see you again. But here you are, in my town, and not by coincidence, because you came for my  _ mother.  _ How dare you. She didn’t want to take any photos here; she was operating with the understanding that you were simply going to discuss your ideas and the photos would happen later. So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to get that memory card from you.”

David broke away from Patrick and moved toward Sebastien. The taller man took a few steps back, holding his camera against his torso protectively, but David got into his space quite quickly. 

“Give me the card, Seb.”

“Or what?”

“Or I’ll call your mother.”

Sebastien’s eyes widened the slightest bit, but David didn’t miss it. Check mate. 

Reluctantly, Sebastien turned his camera over and removed the memory card. He placed it in David’s waiting palm. 

“Now get out of my store.”

Sebastien held fiery eye contact with David for five seconds longer, but David refused to relent. Finally, he stepped away toward the door.    
  
“Nice to meet you, Patrick,” Sebastien said, still trying to earn Patrick’s affections in classic Sebastien Raine fashion. But, to David’s relief, Patrick only nodded curtly in return. 

With one final glance of annoyance at David, Sebastien left the shop. 

The door shut behind him. 

Silence. 

Before David could turn around and laugh things off with Patrick, his business partner walked up behind him and started rubbing his shoulders. 

“Jesus. Are you okay, David?” Patrick asked, his voice soft and caring. 

“I’m fine,” David insisted, turning around and stepping out of Patrick’s grasp. He wasn’t sure what to make of physical touch with Patrick now that they had no one to perform for anymore. “I’m just sorry you had to meet that dick.”

Patrick cracked a smile. “Wasn’t your fault, from what I can tell. I hope you didn’t mind my pretending to be your boyfriend.”

David laughed perhaps a little louder than necessary. “It was the perfect way to make him uncomfortable. The arm around my waist was a nice touch.”

“Oh, I’m glad you didn’t find it uncomfortable.”

“No. I mean, I appreciate the gesture, but I can also take care of myself. He doesn’t hold any power over me anymore.”

“David, I was doing that more for my sake than yours. Did you see him? He was stripping me naked with his eyes! How could you date a person with such invasive eyes?” 

David scoffed, taking personal offense. “Do not imagine for a second that he is any sort of representation of the types of people I used to date.”

Patrick raised an eyebrow and smiled a bit sadly. 

“Okay,” David said, rolling his eyes, “So maybe he is. But I don’t  _ like _ those types of people. New York is just full of them.”

“You deserve better than him, you know,” Patrick said. 

Did he? David didn’t quite know how to respond to that. 

“Nice job pretending you didn’t know his name,” he responded instead, keeping the conversation light.

“Wait, he’s actually famous? I thought he was just narcissistic.”

Damn it. Patrick had never been more attractive to David than he was in that moment. 

“I thought you knew. You made the comment about his financial situation sound so earnest, but I thought you were pretending.”

“He looked practically homeless. How was I supposed to tell he was wealthy?”

David just smiled, put his hands on Patrick’s shoulders, and squeezed. Oh, sweet Patrick. Couldn’t tell a $300 sweater from a $30 one. 

David never thought he would find that endearing, but he did. Because it was Patrick. 

After too long, David realized he still had his hands on Patrick’s shoulders. He let his hands drop. 

“Well, Patrick Brewer,” he said, holding up the tiny memory card, “You were a boy scout, weren’t you? Want to help me start a fire?”

That wonderful little glint that always made David’s stomach flip returned to Patrick’s eyes. “Anything for you, David Rose.”

Yeah. The rest of the unboxing could wait till tomorrow. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!!


End file.
